Shake

January 4, 2004

Dear Warren [who is Warren? see below],

    I bought a bottle of lemon/lime mineral water yesterday at a Starbucks in Salisbury (England). It had a warning label on its cap:

"Shake before opening (not after)"

    Duh [exclamation mark removed]?

    I also bought a packaged "steak in peppercorn sauce" from Marks & Sparks . . . the instructions said "for your convenience, no need to pierce film" . . . wow [exclamation mark removed', that will save me a lot of time . . . thanks M&S for that [exclamation mark removed]. '

Regards

Wilt Shire

Thorney Down

Dull men like to browse through stores reading labels. One of our members, Warren Ing, collects warning labels that he thinks are truly useful. He says that reading these makes him feel so much more secure . . . safe. Truly a goal of a dull man, right?

Here are some of Warren’s findings:

 On a Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping”

[Darn, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside”

[What’s this? Encouraging shoplifting?]

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap"

[And how would that be?]

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost"

[Note that it’s only a suggestion]

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down"

[An instruction coming too late?]

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating"

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"

[But what if I want to save time by doing this?]

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"

[This is a great way to keep children from driving cars and operating machinery] 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"

[duh]

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only"

[But not in the hallway in between?]

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use"

[What do we need to do, buy another one to find out what he other use is?]

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts"

[duh]

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"

[duh]

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"

[Darn . . . they why buy it?]

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals"

(Has this been happening often?]