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The Brooms Wedding
Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner following the wedding the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom."
"IMPOSSIBLE," said the groom broom. [Are you ready for this?] "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER."
A Man and a Chain
August 9, 2005
A man was dragging a chain in the streets all around town.
The sheriff stopped him and asked why he was dragging the chain.
The man replied, “Have you ever tried pushing a chain?”
Making an Egg Roll
August 27, 2004
Dear DMC,
Another egg joke:
"How do you make an egg roll?"
"Push it."
Adam
+
+ + + + + +
Thanks Adam. That one is great. Keep it up.
DMC
About Apartments
August 3, 2004
Dear DMC,
Lame one-liner:
"She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat."
Nathan Philip Howe
At a Japanese Restaurant
August 1, 2004
Dear DMC,
New dumb joke:
What
do you call where you wait in a Japanese restaurant in the Commonwealth?
A
sushi queue
Dave
Low Fling Airplanes
Do you know what to
do if, when you are driving by an airport, you see a sign ?Low Flying Aircraft??
Answer: let
some of the air out of your tires
A
Twofur
June 8, 2004
Dear DMC,
I have a joke for you......its two in one, the second one goes with the first
one.......(joke down below)
Katie Mac
How to name your
kids if you are Chinese
How do Chinese
parents name their kids?
By throwing their
silverwhere down the stairs . . . "ching" . . . "chang."
Why Chinese use
chopsticks
Why do Chinese use
chopsticks?
Because all of
their silverwhere is at the bottom of the stairs [exclamation point removed]
+ + + + + + +
Dear Katie Mac,
Thanks for these two great jokes. But don't you think we should now tell them
ware they can find their silverwhere?
Regards,
DMC
Wooden Leg
She was engaged to
a man with a wooden leg but it broke off
Wintertime/Christmas Items
Q: Why do birds fly south for the
winter ?
A: Because it's
too far to walk.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North
Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an
archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon Hood.
Q: If athletes get athletes foot,
what do astronauts get?
A: Mistletoe
[exclamation point removed]
Making a
Venetian blind
How do you make a Venetian
blind?
Stick your finger in his
eye.
No more sour
milk
What's the best way to keep
milk from turning sour?
Leave it in the cow.
Two Snakes
Two snakes are slithering down
the sidewalk.
One says to the other, "Hey,
are we poisonous?"
The other says, "I don't know,
why?"
The first snake says, "Because
I just bit my lip."
Big, Yellow
What's big
and yellow and doesn't swim?
[scroll down]
A bulldozer
[Thanks to Neil McNiven for sending this to us]
Allegedly from Northern Iraq
This allegedly is
from Northern Iraq . . . where Saddam is hiding with one of his sons.
The son went
shopping recently, came home with everything in a cardboard box.
When Saddam saw
this he asked, "Why have you brought your shopping home in a cardboard box?"
The son said, "Because for us there's no more Baghdad."
[Thanks to Emily
for forwarding this to us]
Tale of Two
Robins
Two robins were
sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first robin. "Let's fly down
and find some lunch."
They flew down to
the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I
don't think I can fly back up into the tree" said the first robin.
"I know what you
mean," said the second robin. "Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm
sun."
"O.K.," said the
first robin.
So they plopped
down to bask in the sun. Soon after they had fallen asleep, a big cat appeared .
. . and gobbled up the two robins.
As the cat sat
washing his face after his meal, he said . . . . [scroll down]
"I just love Baskin
Robins."
Iraq
Why does the US Army on their way to Baghdad want to go through Turkey and
Northern Iraq where the Kurds live?
It's because where there are Kurds there's a way.
A Married
Couple
A married couple drove several
miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to
an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of
mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied,
"In-laws."
[Thanks to Rob Steere for this
one]
Iraq — UN Weapons Inspectors
The inspectors found Saddam's cartographers.
Who are developing weapons of map destruction.
[Thanks to "Simon" for this one]
Cary Grant
A telegram sent by
a reporter to a Hollywood studio asked, "How old Cary Gant"?
The studio replied,
"Old Cary Grant fine, how you"?
[From Noah Verba who found it in The Sunday
Telegraph Magazine, January 26, 2003]
Hing and
Ming
This is the story of two brothers, Hing and Ming. Each
was devoted to the search for the cure. They differed
greatly on how it was to be found.
One day their pet chicken
fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers [exclamation point removed]. The brothers decided that this would be an
ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.
Hing immediately went back
to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese
medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He
gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it
into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all
around China,
praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors
appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves [triple exclamation points removed]. Ming, aware of his brother's lack of
success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of
leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the
two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a
bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea
refeather a hen [exclamation point removed]
[Thanks to Jo Kee for sending this to
us]
Man with
Egg
A man walks down the street with a fried egg on his head.
A passerby asks him why.
He replies, "If it were hard
boiled it would roll off."
[Thanks to Emma Armstrong for this one]
France
What is the capital of Japan?
J.
A Path
What do you call a road
where all the crazy people walk?
A
psychopath.
[Thanks to Andy and Scottie for this one and the next one]
Feeling
like a bicycle
When do you feel like a
bicycle?
When you
are two/too tired.
A Fish
What do you call a fish without an eye?
A fsh
[Thanks to Joe Sinnott for this one]
Marathon Running
What do marathon runners wearing bad
shoes suffer?
Agony of defeat.
Chicken Crossing the Road
What is a chicken crossing the road called?
Poultry in motion.
Two Zeros Pass an Eight
Two zeros were walking down a street. They passed an
eight.
One zero said to the other zero, "Hey, what's that? Do
you think it's Siamese twins?"
[Thanks to Robmac for sending this to us]
A Zero Speaking to an Eight
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Hey . . . nice belt"
[Thanks to Steve Searle for sending this to us]
Dropping a Raw Egg
How can you drop a raw egg onto a
concrete floor without cracking it?
You can't . . . concrete floors don't
crack if a raw egg falls on them.
[Thanks to Emily Bentgen for this one and the
next two]
Building a Wall
If it took eight men ten hours to build
a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all . . . the wall is now
already built.
Woof
A dog went into a telegraph office to send a telegram. He wrote,
"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."
The
clerk read what the dog wrote and said, "There are only nine words here. You
could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But, the dog replied, "then the message wouldn't make any sense."
[Thanks to Dennis Bloomquist for sending this one to us]
A Mugging
Three
snails were crawling down the sidewalk. A turtle came up from behind and
mugged them.
The
police, when investigating the crime scene, began by asking the snails what
happened.
One of
the snails replied, "I really don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
[Heard on Classic FM (London)]
Wooden Car
What happened to the wooden car?
It wooden go.
Bananas
Why aren't growing bananas any longer?
Because bananas are long enough already.
Camouflage
I went to buy a camouflage shirt . . . but I couldn't find
any
[Thanks to Dennis Bloomquist sending us this one and the
three doctors jokes that follow next]
A Strawberry
A man goes to the doctor. The man has a strawberry growing
out of his head.
The doctor says, "Let me give you some cream to put on
it."
Hurt in several places
A man goes to the doctor, "Doc, I've hurt my arm in
several places."
The doctors says, "Well . . . don't go there any more."
Long time, no see
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I haven't seen
you for a long time."
"I know," says the man, "I've been ill."
Justin
Two brothers meet for the first time in over 25 years.
One asks, "Are you Justin?"
The other responds, "No, I've been here a couple of
hours."
[Thanks to Robmac for this one]
Seagulls
Why do they call birds that fly over the bay "seagulls"?
Why don't they call them "bagels"?
[Thank you Gwen for this one and the next one]
Corduroy Pillows
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They are making headlines all over America
Saving Time
What is the best way to save time?
Keep your watch in the bank
[Thank you Robmac for this one]
A murderer on the loose
A man
was murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives
found him face down in the bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk,
cornflakes, and banana slices.
Police
suspect a cereal killer.
Priest, Rabi, and Minister
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister all
walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Is this some kind
of joke?"
[Thanks N. Nutz for this one]
Penguin
A penguin walks into a bar, asks the
bartender, "Is my dad here?"
The bartender says, "No, I don't think
so. What does he look like?"
[Heard on Prairie Home Companion]
A pencil who is a football/soccer fan
What did the pencil say to the eraser when the eraser wouldn't shut up about
Ireland losing?
Don't rub it in
From Melissa
A Decaffeinated Coffee Drinker Goes
Shopping
One of our members who drinks only
decaffeinated coffee (caffeinated coffee gets him too excited) went to a
furniture store. He asked to see their decaffeinated coffee tables.
Some fine children's jokes . . . from
Dr Barnardo's, a children's charity in London . . . are reported in The Times,
Thursday, May 30 2002:
Why did the little strawberries get
upset?
Their parents were in a jam.
What do you call a man standing on a
doorstep?
Matt.
Why do bees hum?
Because they can't remember the
words. [Perhaps this punch line might be better if changed to, "Because they
don't know how to pronounce the words."]
Why did the man with the one hand cross
the road?
To get to the secondhand shop.
Two flies are playing football in a
saucer,
One says to the other: "If we don't do
better we'll never get into the Cup."
Painting
There was a painter who was very
interested in making a buck where he could, so he often would thin down paint to
make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some
time.
Eventually the
Baptist Church undertook a big restoration job which included painting one of
their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he
got the job. And so he set to erecting the scaffolding and setting up the
planks, buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened
and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint off the walls of the church
and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones.
There he lay,
surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no
fool. He knew that this was a judgment from the Almighty. He got on his knees
and cried: "Oh, God . . . forgive me . . . what should I do?" And from the
thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint
. . . repaint . . . and thin no more"
[Thank you
Emily for this one]
More Jokes for Easter
Worst Day of Easter Week
What's the worst day of
Easter Week for an egg?
Good Fryday
Going to an Easter Egg Hunt
What happens to children
when they hear that they are going to an Easter Egg Hunt?
They get eggcited
Egg Roll
What happens to an Easter
Egg if it rolls down a hill?
It eggelerates
Best Sport for an Egg Yoke
What's the best sport for an egg yoke?
Running
Jokes for Easter
Lucky Bunny
Why is a bunny the
luckiest animal in the world?
Because it has four rabbit's feet.
Pouring
Water
What do you get when you
pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny.
Crossing the Road
Why didn?t the egg cross
the road?
Because it wasn?t a
chicken yet.
Don't Tell Jokes to an Egg
Why shouldn't you tell a joke to an egg?
It might crack it up.
[Thanks to Aariel's Easter Jokes which is where the ideas for the
jokes above came from; see more on http://cool-recipes.freeyellow.com/easter/jokes.html]
Lone Ranger, Tonto, and Silver
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped at a saloon for a beer. They tied their
horses to the rail out side.
Pretty soon a guy comes in "Who's white horse is that tied out side?"
"Mine", said the LR, "What's it to you?"
"Well, he's really hot and sweaty."
"Tonto, take care of Silver."
"Right away, Kemosabe."
So Tonto takes a blanket off the saddle and starts running around Silver
waving the blanket to cool him off.
Pretty soon, another guy comes in. "Who's white horse is that outside?"
"Mine" says the Lone Ranger, "What's it to you?"
"Well, you left your injun running"
Rabbit Sleeping in a Fridge
A man opened his fridge and saw a rabbit sleeping in it. He asked the rabbit, "what are you doing in my
fridge?."
The rabbit said, "This is
a Westinghouse isn't it? I was just westing."
[Thank you Nick Marsh, a student in Australia, for this
one]
Origin of a Name
Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new
robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."
He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect
fit. when he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No no, no, for
the Son of God? There's no charge. However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe
whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how
your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the
Tailor."
Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time
he preaches.
Some months later, Jesus is walking through Jerusalem and happens by
Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's
robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.
"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed
Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
"Sure, sure," replies Jesus....."Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus.....after all, I am the
craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was
long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a
mutually acceptable compromise.
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure you want to know?
Okay, you asked for it . . . here it comes . . . .
"LORD & TAYLOR"
[Thanks Sam Bali for forwarding this one to us]
Afraid of
Travelling by Train
People are
not only afraid of traveling by airplane, more and more are scared of traveling
by train.
They're
afraid of catching Amtrak.
[Thanks to
Peter Deluca for this]
Hunting Down Terrorists
Did you
hear that the Irish S.A.S. raided Harrods the other day ?
They heard
that Bed Linen was on the 3rd floor.
[Thanks to Bruce T for this]
An
Unusual Pet
One of our members was lonely. He
decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and
told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he
finally bought a centipede. It came complete with a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided
he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he went
to the centipede?s little house and asked, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and
having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and
pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask one more time; this time putting his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes."
[Thanks to Sam Bali for this one]
Turkey Jokes
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Which key has legs but can't open doors?
A turkey
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient
children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his
gravy.
Keep your eyes off the turkey dressing.
It makes him blush.
What should you be thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Be thankful you're not a turkey.
[And we're thankful to http://www.laffnow.com/humor/turkmixd.htm for these]
Sometimes It Takes Time
(but remember, time is what
keeps everything from happening all at once)
One beautiful Sunday morning, a man wakes up and rolls out of bed.
As part of his normal routine, he kisses his wife and children, grabs a cup of
coffee, and walks over to the front door to get the newspaper.
As he steps out to pick up the paper, he notices a snail walking across his
doorstep. He picks up the snail and leisurely chucks it across the street into a field.
Ten years later, he wakes up on another beautiful Sunday morning. As part of
his normal routine, he kisses his wife and children, grabs a cup of coffee, and
walks over to the front door to get the newspaper.
As he steps out to pick up the paper, he notices a snail on his doorstep.
The snail looks up at him and says, "What the xxxx was that all about?"
Two Boll Weevils from Cornwall
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One
went to Hollywood, became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a
tractor, and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
[Thank you footsie_da for this one]
Chess Players
A group of chess players, after checking into
a hotel, stood for quite a while in the hotel's lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager of the hotel
came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," asked the chess players.
The manager replied, "Because I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
[Thanks again footsie_da for this one]
Names of Twins
A woman gives birth to twins. She and her husband cannot decide on names. They ask the woman's brother.
The brother said, " I think you should call the girl Denise."
"And the boy?", asked the woman.
"De nephew," said the brother.
Light Bulb Changing
How many Dull Men does it take to change a light bulb?
One
A Warning About Luton
A woman returned a bag left in a subway car in London to the bag's owner, a nice man who was wearing Arab attire. The man thanked her profusely, and then said to her, in a whisper, "You've done me a favour . . . now I will do you one . . . stay away from Luton."
"Why," asked the woman, "is there going to be an attack?"
"No," said the man, "but it's just that it's such a dump."
A Dull/Dumb Afghan Joke
What could happen once all the Targets are destroyed in Afghanistan?
Walmarts might move in
Golfing
[Warning . . . this joke might not be all that dull . . . and it might not be all that politically correct . . . but we have an engineer member who has been bugging for quite a while to put it up on the site . . . to we finally gave in . . . we don't like disgruntled members]
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes." The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude." The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer asked, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Taliban bingo game
How do you break up a Taliban bingo game?
Call out "B 52."
Where born?
New York's Governor Pataki, when visiting a school near Ground Zero in New York City, was talking with a girl student who appeared to have an Oriental background.
The governor asked, "Where were you born?"
The student answered, "China."
The governor then asked, "Which part?"
The student replied, "All of me."
Hitchhikers
Two packets of crisps (potato chips for our American readers) were walking down a road in pouring rain. A car pulls up alongside . . . the driver asks, "Do you two want a lift?"
One of the packets replies, "No thanks . . . we're Walkers."
[For our American readers, Walkers is a brand of potato chip in the UK]
[Thank you Carl Bailey for this one]
Car Trouble . . . with a Computer Engineer to the rescue
There are four engineers traveling in a car -- a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer, who up to then had said nothing, and asked "Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm . . . perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
[Thanks to Nancy Smith (London) for sending this to us. We might have this in the wrong place . . . it is not really all that dumb of a joke . . . but it seemed to fit with the joke about Bill Gate and General Motors which we have in this section (towards the end) . . . perhaps we should have a section of Computer Jokes where we move these jokes and add others]
Tractors
There once was a 10 year old boy named Mike who lived on his father's farm. The boy's biggest joy was tractors. He loved them. He adored them. In fact, without any exaggeration, they were his meaning for living. His roomed was decorated with tractor posters, he made tractor models and he took the greatest of joy in washing his father's tractors.
One day he came home from school and his father announced that he had decided it was time to buy a new tractor for the farm, and that consequently he would be going to the National Exhibition Centre (the "NEC") in Birmingham that weekend to pick one out. At this Mike went into tractor overdrive and started to beg his father to take him with him. Eventually his father relented and said "OK, you can come, but only if you finish all your homework and chores for the weekend on Friday night.
Friday night came round and little Mike rushed home from school and sat down to his homework. 30 minutes later (well he was only 10) he was at the kitchen sink doing the washing up and then it was out into the farmyard to wash the tractor. As he rubbed away he thought to himself "this is the last time I do this one, we'll have a new one next week". By 8 o'clock he was finished and it was time for his bath and then to bed.
Saturday morning, 7 o'clock. Mike jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and out to the yard where his father was getting the car ready. Having remembered that he had no clothes on, he ran back into the house, up to his room , got dressed and then ran back down again. Mike's father rebuked him, saying "You're having breakfast before you go" . So after breakfast it was into the car and off to the NEC.
All the way there Mike was looking out of the car window, trying to spot as many type of tractor as he could, much to his father's annoyance. "Will you be still for 1 hour?" A shrimp stood a better chance of surviving in a supernova. Eventually they arrived at the NEC and Mike's dad parked the car.
"Can I have a look around on my own" pleaded Mike. "You must be joking " retorted his father. However, as is the way with small children and some parents, one major tantrum later Mike was wandering around the NEC while his father picked out a new tractor.
The first stand that Mike came to was British and it had a wonderful big red tractor on it. Mike let out a little squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were all the usual knobs and dials, but in addition there was a stereo radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the tractor on his father's farm and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was well enamoured and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike a little bit. However he quickly recovered and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was German and it had a wonderful big yellow tractor on it. Mike let out a slightly louder squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials and stereo radio cassette, but also wash wipers on all the windows and a CD player attached to the radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the British tractor and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was greatly impressed and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and a stroke and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike again. However he recovered and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was American and it had a wonderful big blue tractor on it. Mike let out a loud scream of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD and wash wipers on all the windows, but in this tractor there was also a microwave oven and a small TV. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the German tractor and for 25 minutes he had a wonderful time. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was gob-smacked for a moment from the enormity of his joy, but he eventually communicated his joy to the salesman. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman swallowed what must have been 2 gallons of phlegm and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike greatly. However he recovered with some difficulty and headed for the next stand.
The next stand that Mike came to was Japanese and it had a wonderful, enormous, golden tractor on it. Mike let out a very loud scream of joy which shattered several wine glasses in the near vicinity and jumped into the cab in a single bound. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD, wash wipers on all the windows and microwave oven, but this tractor had a widescreen TV with Nicam stereo sound and a small car attached to the back to take you home after a hard day in the fields. Now to Mike this was without doubt the most stupendous tractor he had ever seen and for a whole hour he played all over it. Eventually the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was naturally a little cautious about answering this question in light of what had happened so far and merely commented that it was "nice". The salesman realised that he was up against a hard dealer and asked "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought very hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman leaped at Mike, dragged him from the cab and threw him of the stand screaming "Get out of here you little %*&$@#&%".
Now this time Mike was very upset. He ran around the NEC trying to find his father. When he did find him he ran up and was crying so much that his father decided they should go home. All the way home Mike lay on the back seat sniffling, not even bothering to look out of the window. When the car stopped in the farmyard Mike leaped from the car and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Pulling all the posters off the wall and collecting up all his models he ran back downstairs and out into the yard. Piling them all in the yard he set light to them. His parents just stood and watched. Then Mike announced "I'm off down to the pub" Now his parents realised that he wouldn't get into any trouble and let him go.
When Mike walked in to the pub he strolled nonchalantly up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. Now this surprised the barman as not many 10 year old boys came in, but he gave him a pint of cold tea, knowing that Mike would never know the difference. As Mike sipped his "beer" he glanced around the bar and noticed how smoky it was. Commenting on this, the barman replied that "the chimney blows back a bit and a lot of the customers smoke. Mike contemplated on this and then announced "I can get rid of all this smoke for you". The barman just laughed and said "go on then!".
Mike took a big breath, sucking in all the smoke, and walked outside where he exhaled it. Walking back into the bar, the barman muttered "how the $%&?*~@# did you do that?"
"Oh, it was easy . . . you see, I'm an extractor fan."
[Many thanks to Martin from London]
Amal and Juan
A young lady in Chicago had boy twins, gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a couple in Spain; they named their boy Juan. The other one was adopted by a couple in Egypt; they named their boy Amall.
Many years later Juan finds his birth mother, sends his picture to her. She very happy, at first, when she received the picture. But then started feeling a little sad.
Her husband asked, "What's wrong?"
She said, "I wish I also had a picture of Amall."
The husband said, "But they are twins . . . if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amall."
[Thanks to Douglas Brown for sending this to us]
How Grand Canyon Formed
Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed?
A Scotsman dropped a penny down a gopher hole.
[Thank you Chuck Curtis for this. Scotsmen's dealings with pennies have contributed so much . . . further down in this section you will see they had a hand in the invention of copper wire.
Doctor's Office . . . Clever Nurse
A man walks into a doctor's office, a worried look on his face, tells the nurse that he needs an appointment with the doctor.
The receptionist asks the man to describe the problem to be treated.
The man says, "I think I am invisible."
"If that's the case," the receptionist replies, "I don't think the doctor will be able to see you."
[Thank you Rallen for this]
A Fly Having No Wings
What do you call a fly that has no wings?
A walk
A Sheep Having No Legs
What do you call a sheep that has no legs?
A cloud
[Thanks to Jon from London for this and the fly joke]
Never Getting Hungry at the Beach
Why do you never get hungry at the beach?
Because of the sand which is there
[Thank you Rupert]
Chicken Crossing the Road
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
[Thank you Rupert]
Scene from a Catholic School Cafeteria
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of apples. A nun had written a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip cookies.
Justin wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
[Thank you Kolbet Schrichte]
Differences in Some Numbers
Q: What's the difference between the numbers six and seven?
A: One
[Thank you Greg Smith]
The Missing Sun
Did you hear about the guy who stayed up all night to find out where the sun went?
Then it dawned on him.
[Thanks to Frank G for sending this to us]
The Seine
Do you know what people would say about you if you were to jump off one of the bridges and swim in the river that runs though Paris?
They would say that you are insane.
Circle of people
If all the people in the world were laid end-to-end in a circle around the world, they wouldn't like it.
Hair
We like the cartoon we saw recently in a Family Circus cartoon. A lady was asking a boy, ?Where did you get that nice curly hair??
The boy said, ?It came with my head.?
Sesame Seed
Why didn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because it was on a roll.
[Thank you Steven Krutilek]
Nine jokes from Sainsbury's shopping bag . . . thanks to Sainsbury's for feeding these to us, we admire the grocery store's good (dull) taste . . . [please ignore the exclamation marks]
Six legs, green and brown, and lethal
What has six legs, is green and brown, and is lethal?
A pool table falling out of a tree.
[Thank you Fraser for this]
A Deer
Do you know what you call a deer that has no eyes?
No idea [it helps with this one to pronounce "deer" with a Boston accent]
Do you know what you call a deer that has no eyes and no legs?
Still called no idea.
[Thank you Chantal]
Three Guys Walking
Three guys were walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
[Thank you Patrick Beausoleil]
Clever Duck
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "do you have any food?
The bartender replies, "no, we don't serve food here." So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got any food."
The bartender says, "no, we don?t serve food here." So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again and asks the bartender, "You got
any food?" The bartender says, "NO, we don't serve food . . . and if you come in here again asking for food I am going to nail you to the wall." So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "You got any
nails? The bartender says, "no?"
The duck asks, "you got any food?"
[Thanks Joe Cool for sending this to us]
Happy Fleas
Two fleas in London win the lottery.
One flea says to the other flea, "let's get a dog and go to the South of France."
[Thanks Peter Marshall for sending this to us][
A Bear in a Bar
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "I was born with them."
[Thanks to Jake for this]
Trouble sometimes when making phone calls in China
Did you hear the problem that people sometimes have making telephone calls in China?
It happens when they Wing the Wong number.
[Thanks to Jamaliah for this]
Getting down from an elephant
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
[Thank you Patricia Cranford for this.]
[This joke takes a bit of thinking, similar to the joke further down on these pages about the skeleton going into a bar, ordering a beer and a mop.]
Coffee
A man in a coffee shop orders coffee, "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee without cream."
The waiter walks away, but then comes back and says, "Sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like your coffee without milk instead?"
[Thanks to Chris Masak for this]
Something in Common
What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?
Same middle name.
[Thanks to Benji Dean for this]
Magic Tractor
Did you hear about the Magic Tractor?
It turned into a field.
[Thank you Robin Styles for sending this to us]
Woodworm
Did you hear about the dumb woodworm?
It was found in a brick
[Thank you Emma for sending this to us]
Stringing Us Along
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You'll have to leave. We don't serve strings here."
The string walks into another bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
The string is a little miffed now. So he tousles up his hair, ties a knot in his middle, and goes to a third bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve string here. You are a string aren't you?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
[Thanks to Contucius for this one]
Termite
A termite walks into a bar. It asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
[Thank you Jeremy Boyer for sending this to us]
Another version is where the termite asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
[Thank you Edmond Limoges for sending this alternative to us]
Paul Revere
Everyone knows Paul Revere made an historic ride shouting, "The British are coming, the British are coming."
But what did he say at the end of his ride?
Answer: "Whoa"
Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great," says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
[Thanks to Ben Rodford for sending this to us]
Corn
Two men walked into a corn field . . . they were amaized.
Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They have drinks together. The giraffe has too many, collapses on the floor.
The barmen asks the man, "What's that lying there for?"
The man says, "it's not a lion . . . it's a giraffe."
[Thanks to Emma for sending this to us]
Birthday
Question: What's your birth date?
Answer: July 30th
Question: Which year?
Answer: Every year
[Thank you Peter for sending this to us]
Breakfast
What can't you have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
Soldiers
Do you know why soldiers in Helsinki wash their tanks and trucks so often?
They are trying their best to protect the Finish.
[Thanks to John Cowherd for sending this to us]
Elevator
What did the elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something.
Clothing
Miss-ouri lent Mississi-ippi her New Jersey. What did Dela-ware:
Da-kota
Frog's Food
What does a frog get with his hamburger?
A side order of flies.
Homework
Why did the goat receive an F on his homework?
He and his dog ate it.
Desert
What do you do with two pieces of bread in the desert?
Make a sandwich.
Snacks
What do computers eat for snacks?
Micro-chips.
Girl Talk
What did the boy firefly say to the girl firefly?
You glow, girl
Snakes Fight
What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
Door Knockers
Why did the scientist install a knocker instead of a bell on his door?
So he could win the No-Bell prize.
Horse
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks:
"Why the long face?"
[Thanks to Paul for sending this to us]
A Monkey Joke
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
[Thanks to Foetus Uber for sending this to us]
Fonts
Two fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type here."
[Thanks to Nick Murray for sending this to us]
Two Cows
Two cows were standing in a field.
One cow said, "Moo".
The other cow said, "Hey . . . I was going to say that."
[Thanks to "Bone" for send this to us]
Dog
A three legged dog walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "can we help you?"
The dog says, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."
[Thanks to D. Pearce Slider for sending this to us]
0 . . . . . . . . 8
Zero
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Hey . . . nice belt"
[Thanks to Steve Searle for sending this to us]
Chicken Run
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
[Thanks to Will Gosney]
In a Doctor's Office
This guy walks into a doctor's office, he says "Doc, I think I'm shrinking . . . I think I'm getting a little smaller every day."
The doctor replies, "I think you'll have to be a little patient."
[Thanks to "Dave" for sending this to us.]
Broken Arm
A doctor is treating a man's broken arm. The man asks, "Will I ever be able to play the violin again. The doctor replies, "Sure, I don't see why not." The man says, "That's interesting . . . I've never been able to play the violin before."
Maltese Cross
How do you make a Maltese Cross?
Steal his car
[Thanks to Douglas Burgess for sending this to us]
Orange
What happens when an orange gets sunburned?
The orange peels.
[Sent in by Dan Kasper. Should we thank him for it?]
Fish
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
Birds
Two birds are sitting on a perch
One says to the other, "do you smell fish?"
[Thanks to Roger at Big Fun for sending the fish and birds to us.]
Tractor
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Hey, where's my tractor?"
[Thanks to Richard for sending this to us.]
Sticky
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
[Thanks M. Booth for sending this to us.]
Light Bulb Changing
How many Dull Men does it take to change a light bulb?
One
Bacon and Eggs
Some bacon and eggs walked into a bar. Do you know what the bartender said to them?
"We don't serve breakfast here"
Bananas
This man was walking down the street. He had a banana sticking out of each ear.
A little boy walked up to the man and said, "Hey mister, you have bananas in your ears.
The man replied, "I can't hear you, I have bananas in my ears."
Accountants
There are three kinds of accountants. Those who can count . . . and those who can't. [Kelvin, thanks for this.]
On the Moon
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?". The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?" [For our American readers, crisps are potato chips.] [Thanks to Lee Mathlin for sending this.]
Meeting a girlfriend
When you meet a friend?s girlfriend, say, "Hello, you must be Susan" I've heard so much about you, knowing full well her name is Jennifer or something. From B. Haze. [That "or something" . . . Mr. Haze, are you from the Mid West of America?]
Girlfriend wants to see more
My girlfriend tells me that she wants to see more of me.
So I'm sending her a full-length picture of myself.
Car Runs Out of Gas
A man was driving down the road when his car ran out of gas.
The man said, "Darn, I'll have to walk."
Three Guys Walking Along the Road
There were these three guys walking along the road. One was wearing a hat
and the other one wasn't.
Bar
A guy walks into a bar.
"Ouch," he says.
Computers & Cars
Bill Gates Comparing the Computer Industry to the Auto Industry
And the Reply from General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
11.GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12.Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
Skeleton
[Warning: this joke might not qualify as dull. And for some, it requires a bit of thinking. It comes from Art Buchwald in the International Herald Tribune.]
A skeleton walked into a bar. "What'll it be?", asked the barman. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton.
Canyon
If a canyon ate too much, do you think it would gorge itself?
Windsor Castle
An American tourist walking around Windsor Castle was overheard asking, "Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
Click here for more from the book.
Doctor's Office
A guy walks into his doctor's office, he has an apple in his right ear, a bell pepper in his left ear, and carrots up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor looks him over and says, "You're not eating properly."
Salad
Our Lord Cranbury was on a trip recently to Ireland, he reports in that he went into a restaurant, saw fruit salad listed on the menu, tried to order it. "I'm sorry, we can't make any fruit salad today," the waitress replied. "Why not," he asked. "Because we're out of lettuce."
Also on the menu was Soup in a Basket.
Lorraine
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing............
Get ready, it's good................
Here it comes.............
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
Pigs
What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up
Fathers
Do you know what a Queen's father is called?
King
Cannibals
Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him very frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Island
Someone once said, "No man is an island."
But haven't they heard of the Isle of Man?
Invention
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
No, how?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
Electricity
An electric guitar makes sounds when electricity runs through it.
So would anyone.
God
Do you know what God said when he first saw Niagara Falls?
"Oh my Self."
Irishman in a bar
An Irishman walks into the store. Curious about a shiny object, he asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk answers, "It's a thermos."
The Irishman asks, "What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He buys one. The next day, he brings it to work with him.
His boss, also Irish, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
"It's a thermos."
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What do you have in it?
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Problem dialing 911
I can't dial 911 with the phone I have. The phone I have doesn't have an 11.
Help from the psychiatrist
This guy goes to a psychiatrist, "Doc, I want to know what my problem is. Some nights, when sleeping, I dream that I'm a teepee. And some nights I dream that I'm a wigwam. Can you help me?"
The psychiatrist answers, "I think your problem is that you are too tense."
THANK YOU FOR USING DULL (DUMB) JOKES
And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them."
The
engineer asked, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Taliban bingo game
How do you break up a Taliban bingo game?
Call out "B 52."
Where born?
New York's Governor Pataki, when visiting a school near Ground Zero in New York City,
was talking with a girl student who appeared to have an Oriental background.
The governor asked, "Where were you born?"
The student answered, "China."
The governor then asked, "Which part?"
The student replied, "All of me."
Hitchhikers
Two packets of crisps (potato
chips for our American readers) were walking down a road in pouring rain.
A car pulls up alongside . . . the driver asks, "Do you two want a
lift?"
One of the packets replies, "No thanks . . .
we're Walkers."
[For our American readers, Walkers is a
brand of potato chip in the UK]
[Thank you Carl Bailey for this
one]
Car
Trouble . . . with a Computer Engineer to the rescue | 
